what say you after you ripped my heart straight through my chest, gave it a kiss, and claimed it was yours? i always thought i was a treasure, but sometimes the sweetest rhymes can be the cruelest. sometimes the sweetest lies can lead the foolish and i’ve been captured since the day you looked me in my eyes and said, “damn, i wanna kiss you so hard”, but you didn’t because we were surrounded by people who just wouldn’t really understand.
you were the kind of man i dreamed of. cheesy, and awkward, and tall, and quirky, and shit i could’ve fucking loved you with the lights on. you always made our innocent little fling seem so wrong. i waited so long for that kiss and when it came it was not as sweet as i hoped. it was soft, and timorous, like it was afraid it was going to break me but that’s the very thing i wanted you to do.
break me. make me pay for all the hearts i’ve broken, all the shit i’ve spoken, punish my heart until it is black and blue. you don’t even have to say shit when your through. we can save the facade for another day, just leave…or i’ll leave you…because i was always so bad at this kind of stuff. so who knows the shit i’ll do.
x. i am really bad at emotions and expressing myself in words. i believe in action. i may not say it, but i’ll show you in any way i can.
xx. i’m often compared to the sea. too much turbulence can cause a tsunami in me, but if you are a moon i promise i’ll sway with you.
xxx. some days i’m not as strong as i appear to be. on those days i like to be alone- sometimes for a day, sometimes a few weeks- but i will always come back to you.
iv. if you happen to wake up at 3am to the sound of me dry heaving with my knees to my chest please don’t say anything. run your fingers through my hair and take deep breaths. i will mimic you.
v. i promise to be honest and difficult and loving and distant along with all the other shit you like…if you promise you’ll be the same.
xxx. a muse
v. the one that got away
vi. a default
vii. “that girl”
ix. an idea
x. repeated family traditions
it’s okay that you’ve found a lover that is the complete opposite of me. one that doesn’t argue or smurk, and shit doesn’t even smoke tree, and one that looks at you with a smile full of gold…apparently i don’t do that enough for you. and apparently i never told you enough how much you were worth it to me. i guess i got so caught up in showing you when saying it was something you need, but speaking has never been easy for me. i really hope she speaks easy for you. i hope that she speaks life into that little nutmeg body i once claimed as mines. i hope that you write all your best rhymes about her. i hope that in the peak of the night when you feel so far from home you find it lying in her rib cage, if not a home at least a place to vacay for a while. i hope she cradles you on those warm summer nights and does that thing you like…you know, that one thing that drives you absolutely insane. i hope she knows how to do that.
and as much as i would like to hate and have animosity towards you i can’t, because as much as i deny it i still want you in my life— even if it’s a downgrade from being your lover— even though it’s not what i want, but i’ll take what i can get from you.
and like the moon dies every morning just so that the sun can shine, baby i want to see you shine— even if i’m not the one you’re shining for. i guess that’s what love is…and since you’re off with a new lover doing new things that don’t involve me that’s the least i can give to you…because you were always worth that much to me.
war in her
and so she
- “birth of a daughter”, hafsa atique
Him and i still see each other at school all the time, but we never speak…just kinda ignore each other’s existence. the other day i saw him and we just stared at each other for about 5 minutes. he smiled. i looked confused. i felt indifferent…i’m not sure what he felt. i found this scribbled in my notebook:
x. i was stupid.
xx. you didn’t require much of me.
xxx. i miss your eyes and your smile and you’re lanky ass legs.
iv. i even miss your silly temper tantrums.
v. my pride got in the way with you.
vi. you took my shit and still wanted to be with me.
vii. being with you is so simple…i think that’s what i need.
viii. i think i was afraid of you, afraid of what i’d become with you.
ix. i wanted someone else to be the one so bad i missed out on the one that really wanted me.
x. i miss the raspy & stern “no” when it’s way pass our bedtimes & i tell you to go to sleep.
xi. i just wanna crawl into your bones.
xii. i’m sorry.
xiii. i’m sorry.
x. I deserve respect, happiness, consistency, & more. Fuck whoever isn’t willing to give that to me. *kanye shrug*
xx. “Don’t dwell on your mistakes, analyze them and learn from them.”
xxx. “If the folks in your life aren’t challenging you, get some new folks.”
iv. “Real recognize real. THAT’S why I can’t see my haters.”
v. I beat myself up all the time because I feel like I’m not doing enough. Like I got so much more in me. Then my mum slaps me & is like, “how many 20yr olds know exactly what they wanna do & are SO close to achieving it?” & mamas ALWAYS right.
vi. I still got a ways to go, but damn I’m doing it. Like really doing it. When I think of all I’ve accomplished this year fuck. I’m a boss!
vii. accomplishing your dreams makes you fucking invincible!!!
viii. Kudos to all my 20-somethings working towards their dreams. Don’t compromise. Don’t settle. Don’t wait. Do it!
ix. ”I already am. I always was. & I still have time to be.”
x. ”Get in where you fit in & then work your fucking ass off.”
xi. & through it all I still believe in happy endings.
this might become a thing.
I haven’t shared my words in a while…here I go…this was written in the middle of a massive panic attack I had lying on the bathroom floor…I heard the words of Anis Mojgani & Warsan Shire in my head…and yeah.
this is for times when you feel like a train wreck waiting to happen. for those times you feel like poorly written history, repeating decades of failed attempts at love. when your scars become your best friend and your heart is made of stone. when you feel the world is just getting bigger and bigger and you just getting smaller. when your bones feel paper thin and your blood iron. "shake the dust." there are mountains awaiting your footsteps, valleys waiting for your smile. when you feel your rib cage a broken chariot and you don’t have it in you to to ride home. "shake the dust". I know sometimes your soul feels heavy like you have no air to breathe, but there is some thing or some one or some where waiting for your smile, for your tears, for your infectious laughter and it is becoming stagnant and impatient just like you…knowing that should be hope. it should feel like a mouthful of tomorrows; savory, bitter, heavy, and all gold. you are danger, and beauty, and power. you are a small war and many are afraid of that…fuck them!
"little human, I wouldn’t wanna be in a world where you didn’t exist…"
x. I have to work harder.
xx. I am learning to be SHAMELESS.
xxx. who better to do it, than me?
iv. There’s no reason to be ‘shy’ when it comes to what you do. Do it. Tell people about it. Be proud of it.
v. What is a dream without a struggle?
vi. adfnfgildgnerlf fsdfgmnod sdansifnd.
vii. baby girl, get in the groove.
viii. I’m just trying to LYDOBV.
x. stop demanding/forcing it & just.. be.
xi. “the omniverse reverberates with the energy you send out.”
xii. building should be a natural process.
xiii. this is gonna be one hell of a ride.
-1. when her bare bones are lying in your bed while you are writing poetry with your lips on her neck, she whispers, "please, be nice."
-2. you tell her you want to be a permanent resident in the space above her lungs as you tear into her to make her feel more comfortable.
-3. everyday you say you love her. it never means what she wants it to.
-4. you compare her to others, and watch her drown her own soul to be them.
-5. you tell yourself you’re with her because you love her, your superman complex says different.
-6. you love her to pieces, never whole.
-7. you realize that you’ve become the man opposite of your mothers teachings.
-8. you overhear her tell her friends, "he loves me, just not entirely correctly."
-9. there is a thirst in her eyes when you hurt her. you’ve never been more intrigued with tears.
-10. she is beautiful when she’s broken. you love her more then.