you were my favorite thing about summer
and my second favorite in fall,
but in the winter you grew cold.
i didn’t like you much at all.
you told me you felt like you were losing yourself,
so i’d whisper your full name slow
so you’d remember who you are.
we use to outshine the stars together.
now we don’t really shine at all.
our texts have become less frequent
and you barely even call.
you only want me when you wanna remember
the man you were before…
you said you missed him.
i do too.
you remembered the time i told you i was lost
and asked what i’d do…
but i found you.
i found you reflecting on the peaks of my insides.
the first time i saw you i thought,
"he could make rocks dance with the music he makes."
everyone told me not to get involved,
but what is heartache without a heart to break?
what is danger to one who is never afraid,
but a flight delayed?
and i caught that flight.
and it was exhilarating,
but all the while lovely.
y’know my smile still echoes your name
like the morning after we met.
like that day you curled up into my bones and whispered,
"babe, i’m gonna make a home of you."
now you just use me as a place to vacay
and as much as i love you
that’s just not okay.
you’ll be 22 soon
and you always smell like coffee and cigarettes.
you like drinking beer out of wine glasses
and listen to Outkast when you are sad.
you have a 2 moles on your forehead
and your hands are callased from strumming the guitar.
one day you said, “i’m gonna write you into eternity”
and i cried.
i didn’t wanna live that long,
but you wrote the song any way.
i was always afraid of our outcome.
that maybe you’d get bored
and not be interested in my mess.
i told you this once.
you just laughed, said,
"how can someone so fearless
walk on eggshells with love?”
i thought, “but baby i’m a danger.”
I’m just afraid of what the future holds.
I’m just fearful you’ll become a stranger.
my little bro was telling me how he just kinda feels lost & doesn’t know what he wants to do in life (newly 18yo) and i almost cried because i legit was there before.
i remember being 17 about to graduate high school and being fucking lost. I just quit ballet after 12yrs and it was the only thing i was really good at. it was so weird and scary because all my life not only my, but everyone just kinda expected that i would go to either Julliard, Alvin Ailey, or join a company (my choice). It wasn’t like a forced thing. I really loved ballet man. I would spend days in the studio rehearsing. I was constantly cancelling dates with my boyfriend and friends. I don’t know how I had any. When I retired I was just like…fuck…what now? and kinda spurred into a really dark time for me, but fast forward a few years and i’m not completely where i wanna be, but i truly believe i am right where i should be. that’s good enough for me.
x. i burned my tongue sipping tea this morning. the lingering sting reminds me of you.
xx. you could hold the big dipper in the palms of your hands and i happen to be very small. it would’ve been nice if you’d held me every once in a while.
xxx. lately i’ve been drinking cheap wine out of coffee mugs and listening to white noise because every song on my ipod seems like it’s fucking refering to you.
iv. you ain’t shit.
v. you’re not as cool and bad ass and as difficult to love as you try to seem. i know it. you know it.
vi. i don’t think you’re impossible. i think you’re confused. and i’m not amused by this image you try to portray.
vii. you say you’re “dangerous”. you’re also very tall, but baby i’m a daredevil and not afraid to fall.
viii. you once whispered, “who are you and what were you before?” Both our pasts were breaking down the door. My track record isn’t the best, neither is yours. I think we’re both unsure of whether or not this is worth fighting for.
what say you after you ripped my heart straight through my chest, gave it a kiss, and claimed it was yours? i always thought i was a treasure, but sometimes the sweetest rhymes can be the cruelest. sometimes the sweetest lies can lead the foolish and i’ve been captured since the day you looked me in my eyes and said, “damn, i wanna kiss you so hard”, but you didn’t because we were surrounded by people who just wouldn’t really understand.
you were the kind of man i dreamed of. cheesy, and awkward, and tall, and quirky, and shit i could’ve fucking loved you with the lights on. you always made our innocent little fling seem so wrong. i waited so long for that kiss and when it came it was not as sweet as i hoped. it was soft, and timorous, like it was afraid it was going to break me but that’s the very thing i wanted you to do.
break me. make me pay for all the hearts i’ve broken, all the shit i’ve spoken, punish my heart until it is black and blue. you don’t even have to say shit when your through. we can save the facade for another day, just leave…or i’ll leave you…because i was always so bad at this kind of stuff. so who knows the shit i’ll do.
x. i am really bad at emotions and expressing myself in words. i believe in action. i may not say it, but i’ll show you in any way i can.
xx. i’m often compared to the sea. too much turbulence can cause a tsunami in me, but if you are a moon i promise i’ll sway with you.
xxx. some days i’m not as strong as i appear to be. on those days i like to be alone- sometimes for a day, sometimes a few weeks- but i will always come back to you.
iv. if you happen to wake up at 3am to the sound of me dry heaving with my knees to my chest please don’t say anything. run your fingers through my hair and take deep breaths. i will mimic you.
v. i promise to be honest and difficult and loving and distant along with all the other shit you like…if you promise you’ll be the same.
xxx. a muse
v. the one that got away
vi. a default
vii. “that girl”
ix. an idea
x. repeated family traditions
it’s okay that you’ve found a lover that is the complete opposite of me. one that doesn’t argue or smurk, and shit doesn’t even smoke tree, and one that looks at you with a smile full of gold…apparently i don’t do that enough for you. and apparently i never told you enough how much you were worth it to me. i guess i got so caught up in showing you when saying it was something you need, but speaking has never been easy for me. i really hope she speaks easy for you. i hope that she speaks life into that little nutmeg body i once claimed as mines. i hope that you write all your best rhymes about her. i hope that in the peak of the night when you feel so far from home you find it lying in her rib cage, if not a home at least a place to vacay for a while. i hope she cradles you on those warm summer nights and does that thing you like…you know, that one thing that drives you absolutely insane. i hope she knows how to do that.
and as much as i would like to hate and have animosity towards you i can’t, because as much as i deny it i still want you in my life— even if it’s a downgrade from being your lover— even though it’s not what i want, but i’ll take what i can get from you.
and like the moon dies every morning just so that the sun can shine, baby i want to see you shine— even if i’m not the one you’re shining for. i guess that’s what love is…and since you’re off with a new lover doing new things that don’t involve me that’s the least i can give to you…because you were always worth that much to me.
war in her
and so she
- “birth of a daughter”, hafsa atique
Him and i still see each other at school all the time, but we never speak…just kinda ignore each other’s existence. the other day i saw him and we just stared at each other for about 5 minutes. he smiled. i looked confused. i felt indifferent…i’m not sure what he felt. i found this scribbled in my notebook:
x. i was stupid.
xx. you didn’t require much of me.
xxx. i miss your eyes and your smile and you’re lanky ass legs.
iv. i even miss your silly temper tantrums.
v. my pride got in the way with you.
vi. you took my shit and still wanted to be with me.
vii. being with you is so simple…i think that’s what i need.
viii. i think i was afraid of you, afraid of what i’d become with you.
ix. i wanted someone else to be the one so bad i missed out on the one that really wanted me.
x. i miss the raspy & stern “no” when it’s way pass our bedtimes & i tell you to go to sleep.
xi. i just wanna crawl into your bones.
xii. i’m sorry.
xiii. i’m sorry.
x. I deserve respect, happiness, consistency, & more. Fuck whoever isn’t willing to give that to me. *kanye shrug*
xx. “Don’t dwell on your mistakes, analyze them and learn from them.”
xxx. “If the folks in your life aren’t challenging you, get some new folks.”
iv. “Real recognize real. THAT’S why I can’t see my haters.”
v. I beat myself up all the time because I feel like I’m not doing enough. Like I got so much more in me. Then my mum slaps me & is like, “how many 20yr olds know exactly what they wanna do & are SO close to achieving it?” & mamas ALWAYS right.
vi. I still got a ways to go, but damn I’m doing it. Like really doing it. When I think of all I’ve accomplished this year fuck. I’m a boss!
vii. accomplishing your dreams makes you fucking invincible!!!
viii. Kudos to all my 20-somethings working towards their dreams. Don’t compromise. Don’t settle. Don’t wait. Do it!
ix. ”I already am. I always was. & I still have time to be.”
x. ”Get in where you fit in & then work your fucking ass off.”
xi. & through it all I still believe in happy endings.